How to Play Vidio games.

Last year I substitute taught in a 5th grade class and the teacher left no lesson plans (thanks). In the first couple minutes I asked the kids what they had been working on, half of them said nothing and the other half said they had completed EVERYTHING. Moments like these are critical in teaching, think quick and come up with something, or risk losing the class to anarchy. I decided to have each 5th grader write a "12 step" series of instructions on how to do anything "school appropriate" (tagging the bathroom walls and shooting squirrels with you bb gun were not acceptable topics).  Much to my surprise, the kids loved the activity and it turned out to be a smooth day. I kept the three papers that enjoyed the most, here is the first:

Step 4: GOLD.

Summer Break

The kids went on summer vacation last week, therefore ending the stream of material I was working with. As a result, the posts here will be slowing down for the next couple months, but I still have some pieces that I am working on from this school year. To tide you over, I had a friend send me an email a couple weeks back regarding one of the 3rd graders I worked with:

This morning on yard duty:

 6 year old: Ms. E, [3rd grade boy] called me a bad word name.

 Ms. E (thinking it's the word "stupid"): Oh, what did he say?

 6 year old: He said get off the swing you fucking asshole!

Pizza v Cereal

In response to the strange question I got from a student a few days ago, my mind was sparked to have a philosophical discussion of another kind.


Would you rather eat pizza or cereal for every meal for the rest of your life?

It's these kind of deep questions that really force my students to use their critical thinking skills. Subsequently, is also the reason why I get paid a shit ton of money.

The sugar fiends responded positively towards cereal:
"I would eat cereal because pizza makes you fat."
"I would eat cereal because I like chocolate. Coco Crisps, Coco Puffs, Coco Pebbles..."


While the carnivorous rallied behind pizza:
"I would eat pizza because cereal makes you fat."
"I would eat pizza because if your teeth fall out you can still eat pizza."


The most surprising response (to me, apparently not to the class) came from a petite and pretty girl:

Girl: I would eat pizza because I want to get fat.

Me: Really? Did you understand the question?

Girl: Yeah, I would eat pizza because I WANT to get fat.

Boy (interrupting): It's true, she wants to have a baby. (She nods and grins in response)

Me: You're still a baby...lay off the pizza.

 Chex meets Lucky Charms? Should've been pizza flavored...what hardcore TMNT fans have always cried for.

Bathroom Rules

I happened upon this ruler in the male faculty bathroom. Why are you bringing a ruler into a school bathroom stall?  I assumed it was for a dick or shit measurement. But everyone knows how long their wang is by now, so it was probably for a shit.