How to Play Vidio games.

Last year I substitute taught in a 5th grade class and the teacher left no lesson plans (thanks). In the first couple minutes I asked the kids what they had been working on, half of them said nothing and the other half said they had completed EVERYTHING. Moments like these are critical in teaching, think quick and come up with something, or risk losing the class to anarchy. I decided to have each 5th grader write a "12 step" series of instructions on how to do anything "school appropriate" (tagging the bathroom walls and shooting squirrels with you bb gun were not acceptable topics).  Much to my surprise, the kids loved the activity and it turned out to be a smooth day. I kept the three papers that enjoyed the most, here is the first:

Step 4: GOLD.

Summer Break

The kids went on summer vacation last week, therefore ending the stream of material I was working with. As a result, the posts here will be slowing down for the next couple months, but I still have some pieces that I am working on from this school year. To tide you over, I had a friend send me an email a couple weeks back regarding one of the 3rd graders I worked with:

This morning on yard duty:

 6 year old: Ms. E, [3rd grade boy] called me a bad word name.

 Ms. E (thinking it's the word "stupid"): Oh, what did he say?

 6 year old: He said get off the swing you fucking asshole!

Pizza v Cereal

In response to the strange question I got from a student a few days ago, my mind was sparked to have a philosophical discussion of another kind.


Would you rather eat pizza or cereal for every meal for the rest of your life?

It's these kind of deep questions that really force my students to use their critical thinking skills. Subsequently, is also the reason why I get paid a shit ton of money.

The sugar fiends responded positively towards cereal:
"I would eat cereal because pizza makes you fat."
"I would eat cereal because I like chocolate. Coco Crisps, Coco Puffs, Coco Pebbles..."


While the carnivorous rallied behind pizza:
"I would eat pizza because cereal makes you fat."
"I would eat pizza because if your teeth fall out you can still eat pizza."


The most surprising response (to me, apparently not to the class) came from a petite and pretty girl:

Girl: I would eat pizza because I want to get fat.

Me: Really? Did you understand the question?

Girl: Yeah, I would eat pizza because I WANT to get fat.

Boy (interrupting): It's true, she wants to have a baby. (She nods and grins in response)

Me: You're still a baby...lay off the pizza.

 Chex meets Lucky Charms? Should've been pizza flavored...what hardcore TMNT fans have always cried for.

Bathroom Rules

I happened upon this ruler in the male faculty bathroom. Why are you bringing a ruler into a school bathroom stall?  I assumed it was for a dick or shit measurement. But everyone knows how long their wang is by now, so it was probably for a shit.

Sunkissed

A bizarre question from a third grader today.

Girl: Mr. Mac, would you rather touch the sun or kiss a boy on the mouth?

Me: Wha?!

Girl (excited): Please say you'd rather kiss a boy on the mouth!

Duh

Kindergarten, probably my most/least favorite grade to teach.


Pluses: adorable, imaginative, sweet, innocent, tons of energy

Minuses: sticky faces (snot, slobber, leftover snack), screaming, attention span of a goldfish, tons of energy

Mainly due to the absence of attention after 10 seconds during any activity, I shy away from working with kindergartners. However, they have no filter and their mouths are constantly vomiting words, so they say some amazing things.

Boy 1: I have like 18 girlfriends.

Me: Wow, that's a lot...how do you do it?

Boy 1: I dunno, but I like this other girl too...[girl's name], she's Chinese. I want her to be my girlfriend, but I don't speak Chinese.

Me: Does she only speak Chinese? She doesn't speak English?

Boy 1: No, she speaks English too.

Me: I don't see the problem.

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Boy 2: My dad has a girlfriend.

Me: Where's your mom?

Boy 2 (frustrated): What?! My mom is married to my dad.

Me: But he has a girlfriend too?

Boy 2 (condescending): Yeah he has a girlfriend too, duhhhhhhhhhh!

Me: Interesting. Oh, and you've got a bunch of slobber on your face.

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Girl: Mr. Mac, [Boy 1] said shiiiiit!

Letting the Cat out of the Bag

The ball is in your court. A leopard can't change his spots.  Don't shit where you eat.

Idioms are the disses that our teachers used against us when we were snot faucets clamoring for attention and a shoe tie. We were in the dark in regards to what they were talking about, but as we got older we heard these more at home and school, and placed them in our memory banks.  Many of my students are learning English as a second language and as a result have not been exposed to English idioms. I've made it a daily activity to introduce a new idiom, explain it, and help the kids knock it out of the ballpark (hotdog) with a delicious sentence.  I opened up a can of worms when we began to discuss "letting the cat out of the bag":

Girl: It's an interesting story actually. I let the cat out of the bag one time when my sister told me a secret. She told me that she was a lesbian.

Class (Bonkers): WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????!!!!

Me: Ok, ok, chill out, let's be respectful. [Girl] is this story school-appropriate?

Girl: Yeah...sooooo, I let the cat of the bag when I told my parents that she was a lesbian.

Boy (volcanic interruption): Why would your sister tell you that?

Me: Her sister probably trusted her with the secret. Most sisters I know are very close.

Boy (going for the cheap laugh): Maybe they're a little tooooooooooooo close.

Class: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: That's five minutes at recess man.

His comment was completely uncalled for, but I was amazed with his comedic timing. I had to turn my head away from the class after the punchline for fear of losing credibility with my recess punishment.