How to make a how to

This is the third and final installment in the "How To" series. Having asked each 5th grader to write a 12-step "how to" on whatever they wanted, most were stoked, but there was one boy who refused. After I threatened a loss of recess if he did not complete the task, he got to writing. He needed every last second of class time to squeeze out enough information on his topic:

A poignant narration on exactly what he did in class. What should have taken him 15 minutes, ended up in an hour long writing marathon (crawling to the finish line). Apparently you cannot rush sarcastic genius.

Step 7: So honest.

Note: I apologize for abandoning this blog. I'm not teaching this year, so have very little kid related news to report. The blog wasn't initially supposed to be about my teaching, but that's what it morphed into, and it felt weird to change the subject matter mid-blog. As a result, I will be starting a new blog soon, but will continue to update this one as I encounter more strange children. Thanks so much for reading.

How to Walk Outside

This "How to" is the second installment in a three part series. This clever boy took what we do daily and put his own spin on it:

While the spelling, punctuation, and grammar are pretty appalling in this piece, he really captures the essence of what it is to take a walk. Saying "hi" to your neighbor, squishing snails, and eating a cookie whilst making your sister miserable are things everyone can agree are essential to any neighborhood stroll.

How to Play Vidio games.

Last year I substitute taught in a 5th grade class and the teacher left no lesson plans (thanks). In the first couple minutes I asked the kids what they had been working on, half of them said nothing and the other half said they had completed EVERYTHING. Moments like these are critical in teaching, think quick and come up with something, or risk losing the class to anarchy. I decided to have each 5th grader write a "12 step" series of instructions on how to do anything "school appropriate" (tagging the bathroom walls and shooting squirrels with you bb gun were not acceptable topics).  Much to my surprise, the kids loved the activity and it turned out to be a smooth day. I kept the three papers that enjoyed the most, here is the first:

Step 4: GOLD.

Summer Break

The kids went on summer vacation last week, therefore ending the stream of material I was working with. As a result, the posts here will be slowing down for the next couple months, but I still have some pieces that I am working on from this school year. To tide you over, I had a friend send me an email a couple weeks back regarding one of the 3rd graders I worked with:

This morning on yard duty:

 6 year old: Ms. E, [3rd grade boy] called me a bad word name.

 Ms. E (thinking it's the word "stupid"): Oh, what did he say?

 6 year old: He said get off the swing you fucking asshole!

Pizza v Cereal

In response to the strange question I got from a student a few days ago, my mind was sparked to have a philosophical discussion of another kind.


Would you rather eat pizza or cereal for every meal for the rest of your life?

It's these kind of deep questions that really force my students to use their critical thinking skills. Subsequently, is also the reason why I get paid a shit ton of money.

The sugar fiends responded positively towards cereal:
"I would eat cereal because pizza makes you fat."
"I would eat cereal because I like chocolate. Coco Crisps, Coco Puffs, Coco Pebbles..."


While the carnivorous rallied behind pizza:
"I would eat pizza because cereal makes you fat."
"I would eat pizza because if your teeth fall out you can still eat pizza."


The most surprising response (to me, apparently not to the class) came from a petite and pretty girl:

Girl: I would eat pizza because I want to get fat.

Me: Really? Did you understand the question?

Girl: Yeah, I would eat pizza because I WANT to get fat.

Boy (interrupting): It's true, she wants to have a baby. (She nods and grins in response)

Me: You're still a baby...lay off the pizza.

 Chex meets Lucky Charms? Should've been pizza flavored...what hardcore TMNT fans have always cried for.

Bathroom Rules

I happened upon this ruler in the male faculty bathroom. Why are you bringing a ruler into a school bathroom stall?  I assumed it was for a dick or shit measurement. But everyone knows how long their wang is by now, so it was probably for a shit.

Sunkissed

A bizarre question from a third grader today.

Girl: Mr. Mac, would you rather touch the sun or kiss a boy on the mouth?

Me: Wha?!

Girl (excited): Please say you'd rather kiss a boy on the mouth!

Duh

Kindergarten, probably my most/least favorite grade to teach.


Pluses: adorable, imaginative, sweet, innocent, tons of energy

Minuses: sticky faces (snot, slobber, leftover snack), screaming, attention span of a goldfish, tons of energy

Mainly due to the absence of attention after 10 seconds during any activity, I shy away from working with kindergartners. However, they have no filter and their mouths are constantly vomiting words, so they say some amazing things.

Boy 1: I have like 18 girlfriends.

Me: Wow, that's a lot...how do you do it?

Boy 1: I dunno, but I like this other girl too...[girl's name], she's Chinese. I want her to be my girlfriend, but I don't speak Chinese.

Me: Does she only speak Chinese? She doesn't speak English?

Boy 1: No, she speaks English too.

Me: I don't see the problem.

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Boy 2: My dad has a girlfriend.

Me: Where's your mom?

Boy 2 (frustrated): What?! My mom is married to my dad.

Me: But he has a girlfriend too?

Boy 2 (condescending): Yeah he has a girlfriend too, duhhhhhhhhhh!

Me: Interesting. Oh, and you've got a bunch of slobber on your face.

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Girl: Mr. Mac, [Boy 1] said shiiiiit!

Letting the Cat out of the Bag

The ball is in your court. A leopard can't change his spots.  Don't shit where you eat.

Idioms are the disses that our teachers used against us when we were snot faucets clamoring for attention and a shoe tie. We were in the dark in regards to what they were talking about, but as we got older we heard these more at home and school, and placed them in our memory banks.  Many of my students are learning English as a second language and as a result have not been exposed to English idioms. I've made it a daily activity to introduce a new idiom, explain it, and help the kids knock it out of the ballpark (hotdog) with a delicious sentence.  I opened up a can of worms when we began to discuss "letting the cat out of the bag":

Girl: It's an interesting story actually. I let the cat out of the bag one time when my sister told me a secret. She told me that she was a lesbian.

Class (Bonkers): WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????!!!!

Me: Ok, ok, chill out, let's be respectful. [Girl] is this story school-appropriate?

Girl: Yeah...sooooo, I let the cat of the bag when I told my parents that she was a lesbian.

Boy (volcanic interruption): Why would your sister tell you that?

Me: Her sister probably trusted her with the secret. Most sisters I know are very close.

Boy (going for the cheap laugh): Maybe they're a little tooooooooooooo close.

Class: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: That's five minutes at recess man.

His comment was completely uncalled for, but I was amazed with his comedic timing. I had to turn my head away from the class after the punchline for fear of losing credibility with my recess punishment.

Chinese

I held some ridiculous notions of what Asian people were like when I was a kid, because I hardly knew anyone from that background. Many of my kids suffer from this same ignorance:

Me: Anybody do anything fun or exciting last night?

Girl: Yeah, we went to a Chinese restaurant, it was so good. BUT, we were the only Mexicans there.

Me: Sweet, I love Chinese food.

Girl: My dad was speaking Chinese to the waiter, but the waiter didn't understand what he was saying.

Me (puzzled): Does your dad know Chinese?

Girl (nonchalantly): Oh no, he was just making up words.

Me: Hmmmm...(as I decided what to respond back) The waiter probably thought your dad was making fun of him because he was making up Chinese words.

Girl (oblivious): Oh, well my sister and I were making Chinese eyes at the restaurant so that we looked like everyone else (as she used her fingers to stretch her eyes towards her ears)

Me: Yeah, you're not supposed to do that either.

Matchmakers

I don't remember being very interested in my teachers' personal lives outside the classroom, maybe because most of my time was spent annoying them INSIDE in the classroom.  However, a few of the kids that I work with want to know everything that is happening in my life, and at times need to tell them to stop creeping, "Have you ever been in love? What did it feel like? Where do you take girls on dates? How many girlfriends have you had? Why don't you live with your mom?" Recently a couple of fourth graders were hunting around for some choice info:

Girl 1: Mr. Mac, how old are you?

Me: I'm 27.

Girl 1 (beside herself with excitement): Oooooooooooooooh! My mom is 28...

Me: Awesome...you're making it sound like you're trying to set me up with her.

Girl 2: Well...what kind of girl do you like? Nerdy, sexy...or lesbian?

Me: Ladies, we aren't having this conversation.

Osama bin Celebratin'

Grogginess is on the menu for most of my fourth graders come Monday, but today I was bum rushed with kids amped on patriotism.  Most of these kids were less than a year old on September 11th, yet the media had whipped these 20 kids into the "Osama Pajama Deathfest 2011" frat party. Four Loko seemed to stream through their veins as they squirmed in their seats and "Osama" slurred out of their mouths.  Instead of fighting against the drunken ramble, we had a class meeting.  Frat president manned the convo for us all:

Frat Pres: Well, we killed the guy that flew two planes into the two towers. Osama bin Laden, was he a bad man? How did he fly TWO planes into the towers and survive?

Me: Yep, he was a bad man, that's why we've been hunting him down for the past decade. And he didn't fly the planes, but he was in charge of the terrorist group that did.

Frat Pres: Ok, well anyways I don't have cable but I was watching on the internet.  My whole family was so happy...we were all celebrating!

I was so happy I went on the internet and printed a picture of his dead body with all the bullet holes in him and I taped it on my wall.

Me: Wow...

Frat Pres: I'm not finished. Then I got my bow and arrow and started shooting arrows at him...it was so fun.

Me: What?! You were shooting arrows INSIDE your house? Like plastic NERF arrows?

Frat Pres: No!!! REAL arrows, I made them out of wood. I kept trying to shoot the arrows at his head, but I kept hitting him in his privates!!!

Me: Ok, ok, ok...this is getting a little out of control, anybody else have something to say?

Frat Pres: Then we had PIZZA!!! We celebrated by having a pizza party! 

That's America.

 

Muscles

A strong breeze whipped through the playground this afternoon, making me wish I had thrown on my yellow hoodie before going out. As a result, my hands stayed warmly housed in my the front pockets and my shoulders arched up towards my neck like a geriatric turtle. One fourth grade boy didn't seem to be as bothered by the cold, since he was wearing a tight white sleeveless t-shirt. His slender arms were covered in goosebumps, but it was a small price to pay when all the babes were checking out your guns.

Me: What's up Muscles?

Boy: Hey Mr. Mac (as he looks down admiringly at his biceps).

Me: Have you been working out?

Boy: (still staring at his muscles) Yeah...I've been using a shake weight.

My mouth dropped with this response, it was the most amazing thing I had heard all day. Not only WAS he working out, but he exuded such extreme confidence in his response, as if to say "Hells yes, you could look like me if you had the discipline." I had to stoke this fire of self-assurance.

Me: Looking strong dude, keep it up.

 Muscles: Thanks.

Note: Not actual student, but what I imagine he might look like while working out.

Japanese

I was talking to my third graders about my recent trip to Coachella Music Festival over spring break and the kids had tons of questions...and not just about my trip.

Did your mom go with you?
Nope.
Why is your skin peeling?
I got sunburned.
That bump on your throat creeps me out.
Every guy gets one...look forward to looking as creepy as me when yours grows in a few years.


My favorite exchange went to the boy who has a habit of producing politically incorrect statements.

Boy: Did you meet any Japan people there?

Me: Yes, I met a few Japanese people, but not many.

Boy: Were they bad guys with lots of guns like in Black Ops?

Me: No guns allowed, just glowsticks.

Cleanup

Alcohol and drugs seem to spark the truth and openness that many of us have been taught to subdue as we grow up. The kids that I work with however have these skills sober, and have not yet been beaten down by the social censor. One of my third graders reminds me a lot of myself when I was his age (hell, he reminds me of how I am now!).  He has me busting up every class with his wild imagination and accompanying dramatic performances.  Aside from his humor, his honesty is something I admire as he will be the first to tell me when I need a haircut, look like I haven't slept, or have snot dangling from my nose.  After school today he came up and shared this story with me while I was on yard duty.

Boy: Mr. Mac, do you ever wake up and your eyelashes are all stuck together? Well, that's what happened to me today. I couldn't even open my eyes in the bathroom. Then I peed all over my pants and all on the floor. My dad made me clean it up. Gotta go, bye!

Me: Bye!

Blindsided

Battled some love demons. Made a mix.

Oil Re-serves

The apocalypse apparently IS on its way, because we've had multiple fire, natural gas explosion, and earthquake drills over the last month. As the fire alarm wailed Monday afternoon, I lead my fourth graders out to the safety of the grass as a few first graders ran next to me mimicking being blanketed in flames. While we waited in a single file line to be dismissed, two of my sweeter and more caring students decided to cash in some karmic points.

 Girl 1: Mr. Mac, are you hot?

 Me: No, why?

 Girl 2: Why would you ask that? Obviously he's sweating.

 Me (As I wipe my brow): That's not sweat, my forehead just gets oily.

 Girl 1: How do you get oil on your forehead?

 Me: I have no idea, that's just how its always been.

 Girl 2: Mr. Mac, you should lay down on the ground and we could use the oil to cook some eggs on your forehead.

Girl 1: Or you could put a can next to your head and we could collect it.

Me: Thanks ladies.

thats why I recycle

I regularly have my fourth graders write in their journals in response to various prompts that I give: What would you do if you were the last person on earth? How would you trick a leprechaun into giving you his pot of gold? What steps should I follow if I want to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

I was digging through my kids' journals and commenting on their entries when I came across this tattered response from one of my most eccentric and free spirited boys.

Translated: 

Journal Entry #17

 Why is it important to recycle? It is important because it clean up the planet because every bottle you throw away goes to a river that goes to the ocean and the O zone divoles [disolves] by that and stuff like heat from the sun gets threw and burn people and more meatiorites fall to earth and hurt people, animals, and plants. thats why I recycle. and you can get money.


While most of his classmates commented on saving trees and adorable sea animals, he goes the end-of-days route. You heard of skin cancer? It don't mean a damn thing when your flesh has been seared off your body! Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about the "meat"iorites that will shower from the skies, plowing into your charred corpse, lifeless pooch, and wilted Ikea bamboo stalks... If that's not a good enough reason, your greedy ass can make MOOOOOOOOOONEY! So what do you say, will you recycle?

Kickin' It

Stumbling into class on Monday, the 4th graders are usually pretty zonked from an intense weekend indoors filled with video games, cartoons, Hot Cheetos, and Coke. Due to their zombified nature, I try to get their brains unclogged with a weekend roundup of the class. Many of the students will still be half asleep as a girl lists the various activities (Truth or Dare, Youtubing Justin Bieber, Playing Guess Who?) she and her friends participated in on their Friday night sleepover, but today the author of "The Women that Drank Gasoline" got the attention of the entire class with his weekend rundown:

Boy: We had a soccer tournament in Stockton this weekend.

Me: Oh yeah? How'd you guys do?

Boy (In a quiet and hesitant voice): We kicked...butt.

I could barely hear him so I asked him to repeat what he said, but at that moment, his tangled facial expression showed me that he thought he had said something inappropriate. He scrambled to remedy his comment.

Me: Wait, what did you say?

Boy: We smacked ass?

Me: WHAT!?

Boy: We smacked ass!

Me: Dude, you can't say that.

Boy: Sorry.

The class giggled inquisitively, wondering why their classmate had chosen such bizarre verbage. I don't know where in his young mind he believed that "smacked ass" was a more acceptable response than "kicked butt", but at least he was generating synonyms...we've been working on that all year.

The Women that Drank Gasoline

As most of us were probably used to growing up, my 4th graders have a set of spelling words that they are responsible to memorize throughout the week. For Thursday night's homework, I always assign them to use at least 10 of their spelling words while creating a short story. Many students orchestrate elaborate plots in order to successfully use words like: carpenter, banana, and library, within a 5 or 6 sentence paragraph. Others, haphazardly cram 10 spelling words into 2 sentences and sheepishly look at me for my acceptance or demand that they rewrite it during recess . This boy wrote one of the more memorable short stories of the year, and it revolves around gasoline: